I start this post on a very happy note: Cohen laughs when you tickle him. Sooooo stinking adorable! He’s ticklish on his upper arms, especially on the right side. I could have spent hours tickling that baby, but I don’t think he would have enjoyed it for that long. My little Turtle Man will be 3 months in a week!
Now onto the real reason for my post: it’s been one of those days. I’ve had a lot of self doubt lately, anxiety about the health of my baby (when he looks to be completely healthy) and regrets about parts of my life (which keep resurfacing). The self doubt I usually just push away without really thinking too much about it and then it just creeps right back up- only for me to push it away again. I guess I’m doubting that I’ll follow through with everything that I want to follow through with- because I get caught up in the moment of things and small things consume my whole being- making me irritated at the world for what the world would probably see as no good reason.
My Husband told me yesterday that sometimes he’s apprehensive to talk to me about certain things because I’ve been so irritated in general lately… and when he said that, I thought “What the hell are you talking about?” but then today, something small went wrong, which made something else go wrong with pissed me off and overwhelmed me so I stomp off to the bathroom and as I’m peeing I yell to my Husband “You’re right! I need a chill pill!” …if only I took pills just to chill.
And this is what’s been bothering me the most: I am constantly worried about Cohen’s health and development. Is he growing fast enough, gaining enough weight, meeting the right milestones, is he developmentally delayed (although I have no reason to believe so), does he have some kind of tongue tie (although I’ve been told he doesn’t… the tip of his tongue is always on the roof of his mouth however, and nobody will validate my concerns)…Why am I constantly worrying about if he’s ‘normal’? I will love him no matter WHAT. And he is what he is, there’s no changing it. I did the same thing while I was pregnant with him… excessive Mama worry. I knew it was terrible for me and for him, yet I couldn’t push it away and still can’t.
If you’ve read any of my past posts or you know me personally, you probably know the breastfeeding issues that we have. I have Insufficient Glandular Tissue, or so I’ve been told it’s more than likely what is going on since there’s no true scientific way to diagnose the condition. I cannot, for the life of me, after trying with every OUNCE of my being for 2 months straight… *Deep breath in* …make enough milk. *Deep breath out* I’m trying to come to terms with this, and the fact that I have to use donor milk to feed my son. He stopped wanting to latch to my breast when the SNS isn’t attached because apparently he now realizes what it does and how much faster the flow is with it. I’m literally (gently) forcing him to drink from my breast. He’s drinking less and less and it tears me up.
BUT… to wrap it up and keep this post from being an hour long… I have no choice but to come to terms with it. So, I’m trying. I love my son and I absolutely love breastfeeding, but our breastfeeding relationship is strained, always has been, and I hate that. Things could be worse, however. I could make no milk at all, right? Right. Also, with the insane amount of worry has come so much joy and happiness… new experiences, amounts of patience and more love than we thought we had left in us.